Computer Times
September 2006

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Reviewed by Angie Kibiloski

Avast ye land lubbers, and ahoy! There be pirates in these waters! But fear not me hearty lads and lasses, for these pirates come with treasure to share, safely bound and shackled, and ready to surrender all their worldly knowledge. Indeed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Pirates (Retail $18.95) will answer all of the questions about pirates that you never knew you wanted to ask, with very little trouble or need of persuasion. In fact, its safe to say that you can read it like an open book. One that has been written by Gail Selinger with W. Thomas Smith Jr.

The wealth of information inside the pages of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Pirates will shiver anyone's timbers, and provide hours of reading pleasure. There is an indescribable allure about pirates that delights everyone, young and old, and has done for centuries. We write books, plays, and movies about them. However, much of what we read and see in fiction is just that, fiction. Gail Selinger attempts to right our misconceptions of who pirates were and what their lives were like. Pirates did not, for instance, go around burying treasure willy nilly all over the Caribbean. They spent it on drink, women, and cards. Nor, if they were to bury it, would they ever have drawn maps telling anyone who cared to look exactly where it was. Another interesting falsehood, is the prevalence of hooks and wooden legs in our pirate tales. These would have been much too expensive for your everyday pirate, and would have been a rarity instead of common place.

Amongst the general knowledge on pirate life, there are real life accounts of famous pirates like Blackbeard and Captain Morgan. Also, though the "Golden Age" of pirates, the late 17^th and early 18^th centuries, is the most well known and widely represented, it was fascinating to read about the entire history of pirating, dating back through 2000 B.C.E. when the first nomadic tribes took to the seas for trade. Tribesman #1 builds boat. Tribesman #2 steals boat. And so it begins. There are even pirates still marauding the oceans today, with an essentially unaltered philosophy. Throughout all their long history, pirates have had a hand in a good deal of the major world-shaping events, from wars to religious crusades, to discovering new worlds. You'll never believe what we owe to these brigands of the seas.

I enjoyed reading that a good number of our modern phrases originated with pirates, or the maritime culture in general. Like, "son of a gun" and "let the cat out of the bag." And no, I am not going to tell you what they originally meant, go buy the book you scoundrel. Sheesh, wanting me to just hand over all the jewels for nothing. At least pirates had the decency to go pillaging for their treasure. In addition to such phraseology, you'll soon be spouting sailing lingo like any old sea dog. You can wow other would be Idiot's with your knowledge of carracks, gibbets, and mizzenmasts. You can then go tell your boss that the concept of workman's comp may have originated with pirates. When a mate would lose a limb, or a finger, or an eye, etc, they would be paid for their loss. To find out exactly how much each body part was prized, and to truly appreciate your own benefits package, you'll just have to pick up the book.

Trust me on this, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Pirates is a bit of swag that must be added to every bookshelf across the world. There isn't a single one of you readers who doesn't love a good pirate story, and more over, a pirate truth. Now now, don't deny it, I have ways of making you confess, and none of them are pretty, believe you me. I couldn't put this book down, and after each chapter, I was so excited about what I was learning, that I immediately proceeded to annoy all of my friends by rattling on and on about the subject. That is true proof of a great book, the undeniable need to make everyone else read it. So, GO, NOW, you scallywag, way anchor and set sail to your nearest bookseller's and plunder their shelves for this gem. And when you are done taking stock of your booty, pass on the wealth to the rest of your crew. They'll thank ye for it, says I. Or is it Aye? Ah well.

Gail Selinger with W. Thomas Smith Jr.

Alpha Books/Penguin Group, 2006

ISBN: 1-59257-376-2

(Read on for a tasteless pirate joke courtesy of my friend, and Gaffer Extraordinaire, Sean Tanner. Proceed at your own risk.)

 -A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. He steps up to the bartender and says (in a thick pirate accent), "Arrrr, Matey, can I have a drink?"

-The bartender looks at him and replies (in a non-pirate accent), "Uh...yeah, sure, but can I ask you one question first?"

-The pirate says, "Aye Matey. What it be?"

-The bartender says, "Did you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

-And the pirate answers somewhat gravely, "Aye Matey. It's driving me nuts!"

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